Baby Talk
by EricTheodorCartman
Summary: Eric Cartman and Wendy Testaburger had to make a machine for their science class, but it backfires and Cartman, Wendy and everyone else in their grade has to deal with the consequences.
1. Chapter 1

'Baby Talk'

Main pairing(s): Stendy

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park or any of its characters

Constructive criticism is very much appreciated

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><p>"Next we have… Wendy and Eric, what have you two invented?" Mr Garrison's twelfth grade class had been set an assignment to invent some sort of useful invention. They had been set into pairs. Most people had been okay with their pairs. Most of them. Wendy Testaburger and Eric Cartman, however, had been paired together, which neither of them were happy with.<p>

Wendy was the one to speak up, "Well, Mr Garrison, _I_ have invented a way to reverse someone's age!"

"Let me guess, Eric didn't do any work and is the test subject. Am I right?" Garrison raised an eyebrow.

"Yes." Wendy responded bluntly.

He then stated: "If it works you get an A+ if it doesn't you get an F!"

"So," Garrison began, "get going."

"I'm going to make Cartman a three month old baby." Wendy stated.

Cartman sat in a chair angrily, glaring at Wendy. "If this kills me, Wendy, I swear to GOD I will murder you!"

"B-but… aw, screw it!"

Wendy placed a metal helmet, attached, by two cords which later connect into one, to a small phone–sized machine. Wendy touched the machine, and, after a brief flash of pure white light, a small child's babbling could be heard. Once the smoke cleared, the class of twelfth graders found –as stated by Wendy– a small three month year old kid. The tiny child, while still mumbling to himself, was fiddling and fumbling around in the heap of far too oversized cloths.

The students', as well as their teacher's, eyes widened as the, supposedly, three month old began to giggle and he roll around in the cloths. The little boy was not fat by any means, much to the surprise of most of his classmates. In actuality, he was possibly a little too thin. Possibly.

Kyle spoke up first, "I think I prefer this Cartman to the other one!"

This statement was followed by a load of replies, almost all of them being along the lines of 'yea'. After a short while, Wendy figured it would be best if she changed 'Little Eric' back to 'Big Eric'.

This was met with an unfortunate complication.

"The machine isn't working!" Wendy blurted out suddenly.

Garrison's frown quickly contorted to a giant smile. He began jumping up and down screaming: "Great! All we have to do is blame this on one of the usual problems that happen in this fucked–up town and then his mother can't sue us, once we give her son back to her! Yes! I knew I could get rid of him somehow!"

Kenny hated to be the one to burst Mr Garrison's bubble, but had unfortunate news. "We can't send Cartman home."

Garrison turned to face the boy, glaring at him. "Why not, McCormick?"

"His mom isn't there." Kenny said.

"What's wrong with that? She'll get back later and then we can get rid of Eric!"

"No, she's not coming back!" Kenny replied.

"Why?"

Kenny sighed, looking at Little Eric. "His mom eloped."

Kyle raised his eyebrow, a small smile he couldn't help plastered onto his face. "When?" He asked.

"About a year ago. That was why he got even angrier at everyone about that time." Kenny stammered.

"How do you know? I mean he hasn't told anyone else… has he?" Stan asked.

Kenny sighed. "You know when we got that History assignment about World War Two last year?"

"Yeah." Stan said.

"Well, I got partnered with him and he reluctantly agreed to let me do the work at his house. When I got there I found him hunched over his dining room table crying his eyes out. When I asked him what was wrong all he said was: "she left". He then slid over a little note, which I read."

"S-so Eric's m-mom just l-left? W-what has h-he be-been d-doing for money?" Butters asked.

"All he told me was that he took over his mom's old clients."

Clyde raised an eyebrow, snickering and putting a hand over his mouth. "So… he's a prostitute?"

"Yea..." Kenny said slowly.

"What, so Cartman's mom really is a crack whore? I thought you just said that to piss him off!" Red asked, though she was ignored.

"So… Wendy, you've got a new baby!" Mr Garrison informed the now shocked girl.

"What? Why do I have to look after Little Cartman?" Wendy complained, loudly.

"Because you're the one who made him a little kid! So you gotta look after him!" Garrison said, smirking at her and picking up Little Eric.

"B-but, where can I keep him? I mean, our house doesn't have any extra rooms!"

"W-well why d-don't you k-keep 'im in your room, Wendy?" Butters asked, banging his knuckles together.

"Because he's not my son! Or related to me! Or even my friend!" Wendy was then handed Little Eric by Mr Garrison. The now sleeping boy was curled up into a little ball, thumb in his mouth, surrounded by his old oversized cloths. There was a small amount of brown hair atop the baby's head. A cute smile was plastered on Little Eric's face and he occasionally snickered.

Little Eric rolled around, yawning softly.

'_You know,_' Wendy thought to herself, '_Little Cartman is actually pretty cute._' She then shook her head. '_No, he's not! This is the same person who killed a kids parents over sixteen dollars!_' She mentally screamed at herself.

The bell rang, signalling lunch. "You bastards can leave now!" Mr Garrison said.

Wendy realised that Little Eric was very easy to carry, not like what she thought he would be! Butters ran up to her, "W-Wendy, can I h-have E-Eric?"

"Why?" She replied.

"W-well Craig, Clyde, Token and Tweek w-want him."

"For what?" She asked.

"W-well they didn't tell me, they just said it would b-be funny."

"Err…" She looked down at the babbling baby. She then handed Little Eric to Butters, "Take him."

Butters smiled at her and walked away while Wendy headed over to the cafeteria.

Butters walked over to Craig's gang and gave Little Eric to Tweek.

"W-what are you g-gonna do with him?" Butters asked, knocking his knuckles together.

"Piss off, Pussy!" Craig replied, raising his fist up. Butters backed off and then decided to run away towards the cafeteria to find Kenny, Stan and Kyle.

"AH!" Tweek screamed, accidentally throwing Little Eric into the air. Craig grabbed the baby as he fell to the ground, giggling. Craig slapped Tweek on the back of his head, sighing. "S-sorry… AH …Craig!"

Craig just sighed again, walking away holding the bundle of cloths with a baby inside. He headed to his locker and opened it. He looked down at the now asleep baby, who was sucking on his thumb and giggling to himself. He growled and frowned at Little Eric before stuffing him into the locker.

Craig chuckled before he, Clyde, Token and Tweek left.

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><p>Near the end of lunch Wendy walked up to Butters. "Hey, Butters…"<p>

"AH!" Butters screamed, startled by Wendy sneaking up on him.

"Sorry." Wendy said and then asked: "Where's Cartman?"

Butters became nervous, eyes darting from side–to–side and he began knocking his fists together. "Err… I don't know, C-Craig took him off of me and told me to go away. S-so I-I think you should a-ask him."

Wendy sighed and walked away to go find Craig, who was leaning against the lockers, smoking a cigarette and talking to Clyde. Wendy walked up to him and coughed, gaining Craig's acknowledgement.

"What do you want? Finally realised that I'm a better boyfriend than that pussy, Stan?" Craig asked, smirking and flipping her off as his greeting.

"No, asshole. Just give me Cartman, I want to get to class early!" Wendy replied, folding her arms and tapping her foot.

Craig smirked, putting out his cigarette against his locker. He leaned down to her, puffed out some smoke and whispered: "Why do you want that fat turd? Do you love your new little baby? Do you love Little Eric?" Craig then backed out of Wendy's face, opened his locker, pulled Little Eric out and threw him at her. Wendy only just managed to catch Little Eric, who had woken up and was, now that he wasn't moving, was giggling and rolling around in the pile of cloths.

Wendy flipped her hair as she turned and walked away. Craig smirked, flipping her off from behind.

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><p>Luckily for Wendy, Little Eric was asleep for all of her next lesson, but she had to keep him on her desk and he kept wriggling and squirming, sucking his thumb. As Wendy left school with Bebe and Red, Little Eric in her bag, Stan, Kyle, Kenny and Butters ran up to them.<p>

Stan greeted her by kissing her on the cheek. "Hi, Wendy, we're going to Cartman's house, Kenny and Butters said that his mom probably kept a lot of his baby shit! I think you should come!"

Wendy sighed, looking down at Little Eric, before nodding. "Fine, I'll come." Stan, Wendy, Kyle, Kenny and Butters as well as Bebe and Red all walked over to Cartman's house.

It took the group about thirty minutes to walk all the way from the high school to Cartman's house, all the while the baby babbled and pointed at everything it saw with its small hands from Wendy's bag. Kenny walked up to the door and opened it.

The group walked into the dark house, Little Eric burying his head into Wendy's bag in fright. Kenny walked over to the light and turned it on. The first thing they saw once the light was on was a self–portrait of Big Eric. He was sitting in a large chair, a staff with a globe on top in his hand, a glare on his face.

"W. hat the fuck?" Kenny said, walking over to the portrait.

Stan noticed that, despite his mom supposedly being gone for a year, Cartman's house was extremely clean and organised. Wendy took Little Eric (who was now looking out of the bag) up to his old room. Once she opened the door, her eyes went wide. "Stan!" She called out, causing Stan to run up, with the others following close behind.

One of Cartman's walls had a large map of the USA, twelve of the states, including Colorado, were covered with large X's. Threaded across the opposite side of the room were pictures of different men, some had crosses covering them. Sitting on the bed was Clyde Frog and after he saw him, Little Eric reached his hand out to grab Clyde Frog. Wendy picked the frog up and handed it to the baby, who then hugged it and continued babbling. On his bed, Cartman had a piece of paper that had a table.

The table was had a list of names, mostly names of some of his classmates parents. They were all in a column titled: 'Clients'. The other column was titles: 'Day(s)' and the final one was titled: 'Price'. The group almost immediately realised that the table was of who Cartman fucked for money.

Having enough of Cartman's room, the group walked down to the basement, where they figured that Cartman's baby stuff would be if his mom had kept it. Down there they found a small _Terrance and Phillip_ onesie. Wendy pulled the naked baby out of her bag and tried to struggle him into the onesie, while the baby giggled and squirmed. Once he was in the onesie, Little Eric held onto Wendy's neck and hugged her, not wanting to be put back into her bag.

Wendy tried to pull Little Eric off of her neck. "Hey, Cartman, stop it! Get in the bag!"

Little Eric giggled, still holding onto Wendy's neck. "Stan, can you pull Cartman off of me‽" She said, giving up and letting Little Eric hug her.

Stan sighed and pulled Little Eric off of Wendy. Little Eric turned to face him, frowning and crossing his small arms. Stan chuckled, putting Little Eric into Wendy's bag. Little Eric, instead of crying and trying to get picked up by Wendy again, went to sleep inside Wendy's bag again.

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><p>The group picked up a pile of baby cloths each, beside Stan who carried a crib and Wendy who had Little Eric, and then headed over to Wendy's house. Once they got there, Wendy took out her key and opened her door, realising that her parents weren't in. She placed her bag, and consequentially Little Eric, onto the floor alongside the piles of cloths and walked into the kitchen where she saw a letter taped to the fridge.<p>

_Dear Wendy,  
>I and your father are going on a cruise for two weeks. Sorry it's such short notice, we won it on a radio competition today and the ship leaves tonight at six o'clock.<br>We have left you five hundred dollars cash and our credit card for you.  
>If you have any problems, you know mine and your father's number.<br>Remember, don't go into our room!  
>Be safe and have fun!<br>Love:  
>Mom<em>

Wendy crumpled the letter in her hands and threw it onto the counter, growling. She sighed, walking back into the living room where the group was sat. Bebe had Little Eric on her lap, bouncing him up and down while the baby giggled and reached out to try and grab her nose. Bebe smiled and grabbed Little Eric's hand and squeezed it lightly. The baby continued to giggle but, when he saw Wendy, he raised his arms towards her. Wendy sighed and picked Little Eric up, who then smiled and rested his head on Wendy's shoulder. Wendy sighed again, sitting down next to Stan.

Butters walked over to Little Eric and tickled his stomach, causing the baby to laugh and roll around. "Err… W-Wendy, do y-you want me t-to go out a-and b-buy some d-dippers f-for E-Eric?" Butters asked.

"Yes, please, Butters." Wendy said, sighing as Little Eric rolled around in her lap, laughing.

Butters gave Little Eric one more tickle before standing up and heading out of the door, Kenny following him.

Little Eric then turned back to Wendy, snuggling up to her, hugging Clyde Frog and smiling. Wendy just sighed, as Red came in with a bottle of warm milk in a sterilised bottle she had bought on the way. Red walked over and gave the bottle to Little Eric who took it, smiled and put it in his mouth, sucking on it. Red moved to sit in between Kyle and Bebe.

The group sat in awkward silence, the only sound was Eric sucking on his bottle. The silence was then broken by Kyle saying: "So, err… Wendy, how do you think you can handle Cartman?"

Wendy sighed, "I don't know! It's not like I prepared for this to happen!"

"Well, Wendy, if you want, I'll stay here with you tonight." Stan said, smiling at his girlfriend.

"Okay, fine." Wendy replied. Little Eric fell asleep, dropping his bottle onto the floor and snuggling up to Wendy.

Butters came in about a minute later, carrying two bags of diapers. Red turned to him and said: "Sorry, Butters, I forgot to get diapers when I bought the steriliser, milk and the bottle."

Butters smiled at her, "That's okay, Red." He then gave the diapers to Wendy.

"Why do I have to put diapers on him‽" Wendy asked, resting Little Eric onto the seat next to her.

"W-well I-I'll do it f-for you." Butters said, unzipping Little Eric. Butters pulled Little Eric out of his onesie, put a diaper onto him, he then put his onesie back on and handed the somehow still sleeping baby back to Wendy.

"Err… Butters, where's Kenny?" Kyle asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Oh, K-Kenny a-asked me f-for a twenty d-dollar bill to b-buy a couple of s-six packs." He said, banging his knuckles together.

Just then Kenny stumbled through the door, carrying about seven six packs under one arm (a bottle of vodka occupying his hand) and an open beer can in the other one. He put the six packs down and walked into the living room. "Heeey, guys!" He said, taking a swig of his beer.

"Oh, jeez!" Butters said, banging his knuckles together again.

Kenny stumbled over to Little Eric, spilling a little bit of his beer in the process. "Heeey, what's Cartman doing asleep? Do you wan' a beer, Cartman?" Kenny asked, putting the beer next to the sleeping baby's lips. Red walked over and took the beer out of Kenny's hand. "Wha' you doin' Red? Gimme my beer back! I was jus' tryin' to give a lil to Cartman!"

Red handed the beer to Butters before saying: "Wendy, I think you should take Little Cartman to bed."

Deciding it was probably best, Wendy got up and headed up to her room, carrying the bottle with her. She laid the baby down as well as his toy frog. She then played the bottle next to Little Eric. She looked at Little Eric, sighed and then headed back downstairs, closing the door quietly behind her.


	2. Chapter 2

'Baby Talk'

Main pairing(s): Stendy

Disclaimer: I don't own South Park or any of its characters

Constructive criticism is very much appreciated

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><p>Stan, Kyle, Bebe, Kenny, Red and Butters didn't actually leave that night. At about twelve o'clock Wendy headed up to her room to go to sleep, followed by Stan, and the others stayed down stairs, getting drunk.<p>

Wendy's eyes fluttered open at about nine in the morning, she sat up, turned to the sleeping boy next to her and sighed. She then turned away from him and jumped when she saw the baby who was sitting in his crib, staring up at her, sucking on his empty bottle and holding his stuffed Clyde Frog. The baby giggled at her from his crib. Wendy sighed, deciding she might as well make Little Eric some more milk. Wendy walked over to Little Eric's crib, picked Little Eric and his bottle up and walked down stairs. She saw the Kenny and Butters were laid on the couch next to each other, Kenny's arm over Butters shoulders. Kyle and Bebe were sat next together, Bebe's head resting her head on Kyle's shoulder and Red was laying on the floor. Wendy walked into the kitchen and put Little Eric on the countertop, taking his bottle from him. Wendy then turned to the sink and sterilised the bottle before pouring baby milk into it.

After putting the bottle into the microwave, Wendy heard a light, soft crying. After turning around, Wendy saw that Little Eric had dropped Clyde Frog. Little Eric looked up at Wendy and she saw that his eyes were glassy. Despite herself, Wendy picked up the stuffed frog for the asshole–turned–baby and gave it to him. Little Eric waited for Wendy to put Clyde Frog next to him before he smiled and picked it up. Wendy felt her lips curve up into a small smile as she walked over to the microwave and took out the now warmed bottle, handing it over to the smiling baby. Wendy then picked Little Eric up and headed back into her living room. There she saw that Red had woken up and was picking up the empty cans of beer.

She turned around and smiled at Wendy. "Morin', Wendy."

Wendy sighed, "Good morning, Red." She sat down at Kenny's feet and started bouncing Little Eric on her lap.

"How'd you sleep?" Red asked, picking up the almost empty bottle of vodka.

"Fine." Wendy replied, straightening out her dishevelled hair.

Red smiled and went outside quickly to put the cans and the bottle into the bin. When she came in, Wendy moved over and Red sat down next to Kenny's feet and asked: "So, did Cartman not wake up?"

"No. Well, he was already awake when I woke up but he was sitting in his crib, sucking on his empty bottle." Wendy explained as Little Eric turned to look at Red who smiled down at him.

"Oh, really? When my brother was a baby he would wake up in the middle of the night, bawling his eyes out and crying loudly!"

Wendy chuckled, "Is it just me or did you think Cartman would be an attention–hungry, loud, obnoxious baby?"

"I know right! But he's like the opposite of that!" Red then tickled Little Eric's tummy, "aren't you Little Cartman?" The baby giggled and rolled around in Wendy's lap. Having dropped his bottle, Little Eric began to babble to himself and Clyde Frog a little while after Red stopped tickling him.

A little while later Stan came down, his hair messed up. "Hey Stan." Wendy and Red said simultaneously.

Stan raised one of his hands in acknowledgement before heading into the Kitchen to make himself a cup of coffee. "Wendy, Red, do you want a coffee?" He called in from the kitchen.

"Yes, please." Wendy replied.

"Yea, Stan, please." Red said, leaning further into the couch and yawning.

Stan came in two minutes later carrying two cups of coffee, handed them to the two girls and then quickly ran out to the kitchen to grab his one. Once he came in, Stan sat on the arm of the couch next to Wendy and took a sip of his coffee.

The three then began talking. Little Eric looked up at Stan, his small lips curving up to a smile when he heard him take a sip of his coffee. He then looked at Red and once again smiled when she took a sip of her coffee. Finally, he turned to Wendy who took a sip, once she finished her small sip, Eric reached out to grab try and grab the coffee with his small hands. Wendy quickly moved the cup away, which scared Red and caused her to spill some of her coffee on Kenny.

"Ah! HOLY SHIT!" Kenny screamed, jumping up and knocking Butters onto the floor. Kenny ran into the kitchen and rubbed his face with water and stopped jumping up and down.

Wendy had placed Little Eric onto the couch as she wiped her couch with a tissue by the time Kenny walked in. Kyle and Bebe had woken up and Butters was sitting next to them on the couch banging his knuckles together.

Little Eric began giggling, watching as Kenny stumbled in, almost falling over the coffee table. "Sonofabitch!" Kenny screamed, rubbing his face. "What the fuck‽ Who threw coffee over me‽" Kenny screamed, glaring and pulling his parker over his head.

"It was Red." Wendy replied, ignoring Red as she turned and frowned at her.

"Wendy almost wacked me in the head with her cup!" Red retorted.

"Cartman tried to grab my cup of coffee!" Wendy responded, facing red and Kenny.

"What the fuck does that matter?" Kenny screamed, raising his hands.

"Well he might have burned himself!" Wendy said to try and justify herself.

"Why do you care if Cartman burns his hands?" Kenny asked, smirking when Wendy's face contorted to show confusion.

"Well, err… I don't know… he is just a baby… I don't care about him!" Wendy said.

Kenny chuckled, smirking and pulling on his orange pants and pulling his hood over his head before heading back into the kitchen to grab himself a can of soda and made a slice of toast. He came in, sat down on Butters, turned on the T.V. and began flipping through the channels.

Wendy sat down on the couch and put Little Eric in her lap. The group just watched T.V. silently for about ten minutes before Bebe spoke up. "Y'know, I'm bored. Do you guys want to go to the mall?" She asked, standing up.

The rest of the group stood up, went to the door, put their coats on and left. Wendy rapped Little Eric up in a large, thick blanket before leaving.

It took them thirty minutes to get to the mall, and by that time Little Eric had fallen asleep and was dribbling a little on Wendy's chest. Once they had walked through the automatic doors, Bebe grabbed Kyle's hand and dragged him away towards some shop that sold shoes.

"Y'know, Butters, it would be nice if you'd buy me some'in in the food court." Kenny said, smiling sweetly at the blonde boy.

Butters sighed and took out his wallet to see how much he had. Kenny smirked and led the shorter blonde away.

"What do you want to do?" Wendy asked Stan, turning to face him.

"Dunno, we could just look around." Stan said, heading down the shopping mall with Wendy walking next to him.

Wendy grunted while bouncing Little Eric up, "Stan can we go buy a pram or buggy or something?"

"Sure," Stan replied back, looking around to see if he could find a parenting shop. Once he spotted one, Stan nudged Wendy's shoulder and the pair walked into the shop. The inside of the shop was split into one pink and one blue half, dolls and dresses were on the pink side, with a small section in the corner filled with a lined up group of pink or purple pushchairs. The blue side had cars and guns, with a small section in the corner filled with a line of blue or green strollers. In the middle there were what the shop used as the unisex options, small stuffed animals and plain nightlights. Next to the unisex toys were the unisex buggies.

"Stan, do you have any money on you? It'd be a little difficult to grab my purse like this." Wendy asked.

"Yea. What pram do you want?" Stan replied.

"Err…" Wendy looked down at Little Eric and saw that the small, light turquoise, yellow–poof balled hat was now resting on the wriggling baby's head. She watched as the baby yawned quietly. "…the light turquoise one."

"You mean this one?" Stan asked, pulling out a bright blue buggy.

"No, no, no. The one that is the same colour as Cartman's hat." Wendy said, pointing at the pram next to the one Stan had just pulled out.

Stan looked at Wendy questionably, before pulling the pram out as well as his wallet.

Luckily for them, there was only one other person in the queue. Once that person had finished buying whatever it is she was buying, Wendy and Stan put the now folded up pram and the same coloured blanket on the counter.

The woman looked up at the pair, "Sorry, but aren't you two a little young to have kids?" The woman asked, raising an eyebrow.

"No, he's my little brother. My parents are on a cruise." Wendy lied, looking down at Little Eric and laughing lightly.

The woman smiled back at her, "Oh, okay." She looked around the folded up pram for the tag and asked: "What's his name?"

"Eric." Wendy replied.

"That's a nice name." The woman said and then asked for twenty–nine ninety–nine.

Stan sighed, took out his card, and handed it over to the woman. Once they had paid for the pram, Stan unfolded it and Wendy strapped the now awake Little Eric in. She smiled as Little Eric yawned and raised his hands above his head, then snuggled up to Clyde Frog.

After laying the turquoise blanket over Little Eric, Wendy and Stan walked out of the shop and headed to the food court to try and find Kenny and Butters. In the food court they spotted Butters eating a small sandwich and Kenny eating a bucket of KFC, three tacos and a cheeseburger, they both had a Coca–Cola each. Wendy and Stan walked over and sat next to the other two.

Butters looked down at Little Eric and smiled. "Aw, d-did you b-buy E-Eric a pr-pram?"

"Yea." Wendy replied, grabbing her purse and looking inside. "Stan, I'm gonna go grab something to eat, you want anything?"

"Yea, grab me a hamburger and fries." Stan said and kissed Wendy before she left.

After she got back, Wendy began eating with Stan and the pair talked to Butters and Kenny… well, Kenny didn't really say anything, he was too busy eating.

Once they were done, they looked around the shops a little more before running into Kyle and Bebe. Bebe had about thirty bags, and Kyle was carrying most of them. After a little bit, the group left the mall and went back home.

* * *

><p>"You sure you'll be okay with Cartman tonight?" Stan asked Wendy at her door.<p>

"Yes, Stan, I'll be fine." Wendy said, smiling.

After giving her boyfriend a quick kiss on the lips, Wendy shut the door and took Little Eric to bed with Clyde Frog and a bottle of warm milk.


End file.
